While I have a long list of Schwarzenegger favorites, it’s
much harder to pick a Stallone favorite.
While Rocky did win the best picture Oscar in 1976, I’m not a crazy big
fan of it – I actually prefer Rocky IV.
First Blood was good but then was tainted by the multiple sequels. I still love pointing out that he wrote
Staying Alive, because everyone seems to forget that he’s actually a good
writer. You’re not going to believe this,
but I will tell you that my favorite Stallone movie is Oscar from 1991. It’s a comedy, set in the 30s, and Stallone
plays a gangster trying to give up his life of crime and go straight and based
on (of all things) a French play from 1958.
It’s witty, silly, funny, and always makes me laugh out
loud. I have often wondered if Stallone
would do more comedy, but Oscar, and his other comedic attempts (I will not
mention Stop – or My Mom Will Shoot) have largely been panned by both fans and
critics. I would like to see both he and
Arnold age gracefully enough to slowly step into ensemble pieces, and
supporting roles.
With Bullet To The Head – it would seem that Stallone has no
intention of doing anything of the sort.
This movie looks and feels exactly like a late 80s/early 90s direct to
DVD action flick. Now, there is nothing
wrong with that, except of course that Dolph Lundgren has cornered that market –
and I expect more from Stallone.
Bullet
to the Head was adapted for the screen by the same man (Alexis Nolent) who
wrote the Graphic Novel (Du Plomb Dans La Tete – French) on which it is
based. Having not read that, I can’t tell you if it
is an accurate translation or not, but it does feel very pulp-y and graphic
novel-y. It was directed by Walter Hill –
who is super-familiar with big time 80s/90s action flicks, having directed The
Warriors, 48 Hours, Red Heat, Johnny Handsome, Undisputed and SuperNova (which
is crazy and if you haven’t seen it –Peter Facinelli goes crazy and attacks
Angela Basset, LDP, and James Spader). Lately
he’s mostly been directing TV shows. The
strange thing is, this was originally going to be directed by Wayne Kramer with
Thomas Jane starring in the number 2 role.
Kramer clashed with Stallone over the tone (Stallone can be very controlling
about his projects – just what I’ve heard) and quit the project. Thomas Jane suggested Walter Hill as a
director (Jane knows his classic action pieces), Hill cam on, and brought Joel
Silver to produce the movie. Silver
decided he wanted a more “ethnic” actor in the number 2 role and fired Jane to
hire Sung Kang. If the behind-the-scenes
is this disjointed, it’s not surprising that the finished product is
disjointed.
The tone does jump around from deadly serious to bizarre
buddy-action back-and-forth dialogue, and is very inconsistent throughout the
movie. Stallone is difficult to
understand on a good day – and seems to Bale-style-Batman his voice for this
particular character. He’s overly tough
and cocky, which is fine – but seems oddly forced here. He plays a New Orleans hitman who loses a
partner on a job. Sung Kang plays the
D.C. cop who comes into town investigating the death of his own partner. Apparently the crimes are connected, and the
two team up (reluctantly) to ‘go after’ the bad guys: Kang to ‘bring them in’
and Stallone to ‘put them down’. The
potential is there for some great back and forth, but it mainly comes off as
awkward and uncomfortable. Even the
couple of “hey- you’re an Asian guy” schtick (which was so much better done in
Showdown in Little Tokyo) bits were flat and uncomfortable.
The cast is somewhat surprising in this movie:
·
Stallone as Jimmy BoBo (no, seriously, Jimmy
BoBo) is fine, but again – if he had half of the ‘aging’ nonsense that Arnold
pulled off.... He still looks huge, to
the point where I was a little grossed out by his super veiny arms.
·
Sung Kang is best known from all the
Fast/Furious movies, and from the spectacular Ninja Assassin, and is actually
pretty good in this – well paced and natural, but has nothing surrounding him
to help out. The budding relationship
between his character and BoBo’s daughter would have been interesting, but is
mainly left up to the audience’s imagination.
·
Speaking of which, Sarah Shahi from TV’s Life
and Fairly Legal, sports a bunch of fake tattoos to play the daughter. She is okay, but again – flat because there’s
nothing really for her to do.
·
Adewale Akinnoye-Agbaje – the best part of the
Mummy Returns (well, one of the best parts – that giant Rock/Scorpion thing was
pretty cool) plays the politician behind the plot. Knowing how fit he is from seeing him in
G.I.Joe: Rise of Cobra, watching him fake walk around with crutches in this
movie was humorous. He’s slick and evil –
and does a good job treating everyone as though they are dispensible.
·
Christian Slater – who hasn’t been in
theater-released movie in 8 years – shows up as the lawyer; because these types
of plots always have a lawyer. It was
great to see him super smarmy and weasel-y.
·
John Seda plays the hitman who gets offed in the
beginning – not much to say there; likewise with Brian Van Holt, who has one
scene – but it’s pretty entertaining…I mean – how often does someone get to
say, “Stallone killed me in a bath-house.”
· "New Conan" Jason Momoa from Game of Thrones and Stargate Atlantis plays
the heavy. He’s the henchman of the
villains until he has enough and strikes out on his own. Plays a mercenary, and seems to be in the
movie for the exclusive reason of showing off those combat skills he learned for
Conan. He looks amazing doing it –
seriously, that dude is crazy beautiful.
All in all – weak story, flat characters, okay acting, some
good action sequences. I can’t recommend
you pay full price, but if you’re a huge Stallone fan check it out.
6 out of 10, just over average. Lost points for Stallone’s attempt at
one-liners, just terrible. Gained
points for Slater being weird. Lost
points for the PTS…come on – it’s not 1989.
Gained points for the fight sequence at the end.
Bonus Video 1:
SuperNova Trailer – I told you, it’s weird. You should still rent it.
Bonus Video 2:
Bits from Showdown in Little Tokyo – I know, I know, I keep mentioning it…but it’s
how movies like this are supposed to be – silly and fun!
Bonus Video 3: Ninja
Assassin – bloody good ninja action.
Bonus Video 4: Cast
Interviews!
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