Welcome to The Mundane Adventures of a Fangirl

I consider myself a Fangirl. What does that mean, you ask? A "fanboy" in the most common understanding is a hardcore fan of 'genre' based entertainment in particular. In my case - science-fiction and comic book based movies and television. Because I'm a chick - it's fangirl, not fanboy. There you have it! I am a big movie fan, however, not necessarily a 'film' fan. And now - I have the forum to present my opinions to the public! These will mainly be movie reviews -that will always be my opinion - repeat OPINION. Just what I think, and in no way do I present my opinion as fact. I hope you enjoy and maybe it will help you decide what to see at the movie theater this weekend!

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Movie Review: Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice (PG13 – 151 minutes)

Apologies up front - this one is long...and SPOILER ALERT.  There - that's handled.

Well – Here’s the good news, this movie is not nearly as bad as everyone is saying it is.  However, here’s the bad news – it’s still not good.

I think that with superheroes, as with James Bonds, you tend to favor the ones you first became familiar with.  For me, I tend to prefer Roger Moore Bond movies (I’m not saying that he was the best, just that I prefer him) because those are the ones I first became familiar with.  With Batman – I certainly enjoyed the 89 Michael Keaton Batman, but my preferred Batman is Kevin Conroy – because the 90s animated series nailed what I think is the very best version of Batman – also why my favorite Joker is Mark Hamil – also why I love the Batman Arkham games so much – because those are the logical continuation/evolution of the 90s animated series.  If you haven’t played those – you should – it’s like playing a movie!

In terms of Superman – I enjoyed the Christopher Reeve movies, but I was/am a huge fan of the CW show Smallville – so my chosen Superman is Tom Welling, who honestly actually was Clark Kent for 10 years, and never quite got to Superman, except for the last 10 minutes of the last episode.  

You can read my review of Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel, but let me sum it up by saying that I did not care for it.  Here's the Screen Junkies Honest Trailer - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sge5sUNJkiY.

Honestly, I haven’t really liked any of Snyder’s movies.  300 was good, but I hated Watchmen (one of the few movies I can classify as pretentious), The Owls of Ga’Hoole was interesting, and I hated SuckerPunch.  He tends to over-somber things, and while he is a visually interesting director – the performances seem to fall a bit flat, and the movies overall are extremely joyless.   Man of Steel took everything I loved about the careful crafting of Clark Kent that Smallville provided and threw it out of the window.  The reason Clark became such a symbol of hope was the kindness, love, and support of Martha and Jonathan Kent.   In Man of Steel – that really got changed.

Also – I will say that I have loved just about all of the DC animated movies that I have seen – and there have been quite a few.  The animated movies are well done, well crafted, have some joy as well as some serious bits and really do delve into the relationship between the heroes very well.  The Justice League animated series that started in the 90s and then evolved into Justice League Unlimited was exceptional, but even more so – if you really are curious about good Batman/Superman relationship stories, check out Justice League: Doom, Wonder Woman, New Frontier, Superman/Batman Apocalypse.  Of these, Doom is my favorite, as each member of the League is targeted by an attack they have no defense for – and Batman realizes someone has stolen his contingency plans.  Check that out if you haven’t seen it.

There is also a very good two-part animated version of The Dark Knight returns, based of Frank Miller’s epic graphic novel.  Part 2 features a fight with Superman that parallels this movie.

Zack Snyder has been very loud and clear that his version of the DC Universe is ‘no-jokes’ – he’s taking everything very seriously.  He recently said the reason he went with Ezra Miller for the Flash as opposed to Grant Gustin is that Gustin – despite being the Flash on the number one show on the CW right now – does not fit his universe, as Gustin is too light – and too humorous.  Honestly, that sums it up right there, and good for Snyder for sticking to his vision, but I prefer my heroes with a sense of wonder/joy/humor.  This is why I prefer Marvel movies – and honestly, because the tone of the Marvel Cinematic Universe is so clearly leaning towards a more comic-book style feel and look with more humor and lightness, it makes sense that DC would want to do something different.  However, on the other hand, I love the Marvel movies, and so far, the DC movies have been almost unwatchable for me.  Personal preference, I suppose.  As a side note, Marvel can do dark – just watch the Netflix Daredevil or Jessica Jones series.  They are brilliant, and dark, and some episodes are tough to watch, but they are so well done and still manage to incorporate some joy and lightness here and there.

Okay – I digress, let’s get into this movie in particular.  Either as a reaction to fan outcry or as the best bit of pre-planning ever (my guess is the former rather than the latter) this movie begins by addressing the insane amounts of carnage in downtown Metropolis that Superman and Zod caused in Man of Steel.  One of the buildings that goes down is a Wayne Enterprises building, and that really makes Bruce Wayne angry.  His employees and friends were in that building!  How dare those aliens fight where they could hurt people!?!  We also get yet another flashback to Bruce’s parents (yes that was Maggie and Negan from TWD as Thomas and Martha Wayne); everyone should know how and why Batman came to be at this point, not sure that was necessary.

Eighteen months after the destruction, Superman rescues Lois Lane (at least I think it was Lois – hard to tell, she had red hair) from a suspicious situation somewhere in Africa, during which a whole bunch of folks get killed.  Lois snags a bullet that was used to try to prove Superman was set up for the deaths, but June Finch, a democratic senator from Kentucky (what?), is using this situation as one of multiple reasons to set up hearings and finding victims to basically testify against Superman - to hold him accountable.  Meanwhile, Intrepid reporter Clark Kent is busy researching the ‘batman of Gotham’ who seems to have been terrorizing criminals in Gotham for the last 20 years.  Lately, the Bat is still refusing to kill – but he’s taken to branding his victims with a batarang, so that when they get to prison, they get killed by other prisoners.  So, the movie implies he’s found a way around his ‘no killing’ rule.  Sigh.

LexCorp CEO Lex Luthor (again, at least I think it was Lex Luthor – it really just seemed to be Jesse Eisenberg) is trying to import a giant piece of kryptonite so that he can weaponize it, and tries to get Senator Finch to help with that, because he sees Superman only as a potential threat.  She refuses – so he does it anyway, along with taking Zod’s body. 

While Batman is brooding about how to break into LexCorp to figure out what Lex is smuggling into the country, Alfred mentions that Bruce Wayne has been invited to a party there, so he goes and attaches a drive to Luthor’s mainframe to hack his system, which then gets stolen by the mysterious Diana Prince.  Clark is also there and starts to tail Bruce around, since he can hear Alfred in Bruce’s earpiece, but then gets distracted when he has to fly off and save a girl from a fire in Mexico – which seems to be an excuse to work more god imagery into the movie.

Bruce tracks Diana down – she basically gives him back the drive, telling him she couldn’t break the encryption, but she wanted it because Lex has a photo that belongs to her.

Bruce heads back to the Batcave and decrypts the drive (because he’s Batman), but since that takes a while – he dozes off and has a long sepia-toned dream sequence, that (in my opinion) flashes forward to earth being invaded by Darkseid’s forces (those are clearly parademons).

He’s woken out of this dream by what I would call a message from Future-Flash screaming about how he was right the whole time – he was right about ‘him’, Lois is the key, and Bruce needs to find ‘us’ (Justice League members?).   Bruce cracks the drive and finds Luthor’s files on both weaponizing the kryptonite, Prince (she’s an immortal warrior – proven by a photo from 1918), and some other metahumans.   Sufficiently freaked out, he steals the kryptonite and starts building armor and kryptonite weapons of his own.  Then he gets a full-out workout montage – which is awesome, because Affleck worked out hard for this flick.
After a chat with his mother, who again gives terrible advice, Clark heads to Washington to be questioned by the Senator and because he’s feeling guilty about people not liking him.  However, it was a setup – as Luthor has rigged the place with a bomb – killing everyone inside.  Not sure why – to get everyone to blame Superman?  To drive Superman crazy with guilt?  It works, because Superman goes after him, but he’s already figured out who he is and captured both Lois and Martha Kent – he throws Lois off a building, but Superman saves her – only to learn from Lex that he still has his mother – and will only return her if Superman brings him Batman’s head. 

Meanwhile – after sending Diana an email with her photo and the other meta-human files (this is a way to force in cameos from what will become other Justice League members), Batman is waiting by his signal – prepped with his kryptonite spear, and Superman shows.  Here you get the fight promised in the title, and it goes on for a bit.  Batman is clearly the victor, aided by his kryptonite weapons.  Just as he’s about to stab the hell out of Superman with the kryptonite spear, Superman states he’s worried about Martha, which gives Batman pause, because after all – that was his mom’s name too (these characters were created in 1938 and 1939 respectively and it’s never occurred to me until this point that their moms have the same name.  How weird is that?).  Lois runs in and says that Lex has Martha – Bruce snaps out of his rage-fit and vows to save her.  This leads to one of the best sequences in the movie, a Batman fight sequence that looks like it came right out of one of the Arkham video games.  Also, this leads to one of the best lines in the movie: as he saves her, Batman says, “I’m a friend of your son’s”.  “I figured – the cape.”  Fantastic – and funny, and the movie needed more of that!
Superman goes to let Lex know that he failed, and Lex releases the bio-weapon he’s been working on by combining the crashed kryptonian ship, Zod’s body, and his own blood – which is this movie’s version of Doomsday.  He’s pounding on Superman and Batman and getting bigger each time he’s attached – absorbing energy and whatnot – when Wonder Woman shows up – and is really awesome for a few minutes.  They grab the spear, and Superman flies at Doomsday to stab him with it – getting stabbed by Doomsday in the process (why wouldn’t you give the spear to Wonder Woman who clearly has experience with weapons like that?).

Everyone assumes Superman is dead (if, like me, they had watched Smallville, they would know to just leave him out in the sun for a while – the worse the injury, the longer you leave him in the sun).  Lex gets arrested, and Batman threatens him in prison, where Lex implies that Darkseid is coming.  In D.C., they have a soldier’s funeral for him, and in Kansas, a smaller funeral is held for Clark.  At the  funeral – Bruce tells Diana they have to find the ‘others’.
Once again – Snyder makes good looking movies, but man, this is way too long, there is too much unnecessary slow-motion, and tons of unnecessary scenes.  It really did not need to be longer than two hours.  I think the dream sequence was unnecessary – the flashback to Batman’s parents getting killed is unnecessary – by now, we all should know how that happened.  Is anyone really going to see this movie who does not know who or what Batman is and how he came to be?   I do appreciate that the Superman suit is slightly more colorful this time around. 
Castwise - Let’s start with what I liked:

  • Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman was really very good – there is far too little of her in this movie, but to be fair – it’s not her movie.  It’s just enough of her to really gives me hope for her standalone movie.  Gadot gives her a quiet strength when she’s Diana Prince, and an absolute confidence that she’s the most powerful thing in the room.  When geared up for battle (the outfit wasn’t bad, and I liked the armor aspect of it), she’s completely in warrior mode – also – the little smile after taking a hit from Doomsday is just perfection – she relishes this fight, and hasn’t seen one this good in far too long.  I’m really excited about where her character could go. 

  • The picture released this week of the other Amazons in the movie is fantastic – they all look great.  Again – I really think they are missing an opportunity in not casting Lynda Carter as Hippolyta, but hey – they don’t want any connection to any previous universe.  Just go back and watch the episode of Smallville she guested on – or catch her upcoming appearance on Supergirl, and just for kicks, be sure to watch the animated Wonder Woman movie prior to seeing director Patty Jenkin’s version next June.

  • Ben Affleck was a great Batman.  I really thought he was wonderful.  I had some issues with the way this Batman was written, but he fits this universe.  The stretching the no-kill rule by killing second-handedly was a bit much for me – also he plowed through a whole bunch of dudes with the Batmobile.  Affleck’s performance is spot on for an older Bruce Wayne who is completely world-weary, and frustrated by the lack of accountability of this new alien.  He does get manipulated into his blind rage by Lex a little easily, but hey – he’s older, and grumpier.  I did think the dream sequence was completely unnecessary. I think  DC/WB would be best served by firing Snyder, and letting Ben direct the Justice League movies.

  • Along those lines, I also really enjoyed Jeremy Irons as Alfred – he and Bruce clearly have more of a partnership at this point than employer/employee.  It was fun to see Bruce bring him coffee as he tinkered with the suit, and I also loved the few moments of levity as Alfred chastised Bruce for being alone and grumpy.

  • I don’t mind Laurence Fishburne as Perry White – but I sure do wish he would say, “Great Caesar’s ghost!” at least once.

  • Holly Hunter was interesting as Senator Finch – I enjoyed how she stood up to Lex, and refused to be intimidated – until he left a jar of ‘granny’s peach tea’ on her table during the hearing and she spends way too long looking at it and slowly panicking.  I tell you – a better choice for that entire scene would be for her to sit down, Superman to enter – her to start talking, notice the tea and Lex’s empty seat – realize what it meant and stand up and scream for everyone to get out just as the bomb goes off.  That would have been a little more interesting than her quadruple-take looking at the jar.

  • Scoot McNairy is good as a Wayne Enterprises employee who gets completely manipulated by Lex. 
Now – on to the bad…

  • Henry Cavill is still really wooden as Superman and Clark – something that is even more frustrating after seeing how awesome he could be in Man From U.N.C.L.E.  Too much brooding for me.  Also – I couldn’t help but giggle as he got into the bathtub with Lois at the beginning, because there were at least three episodes of Smallville dealing with Clark not being able to have sex with human ladies until he could control his powers completely.  Seriously.

  • Diane Lane is fine, and I’m normally a Diane Lane fan – my issue with her is the way Martha Kent is written in this movie, “You don’t owe this world a thing,” is not something I want Martha Kent to say.   I want her to be kind, loving, supportive, and remind Clark how special he is, and that he should use that to give people hope – and that all life is precious.

  • Amy Adams as Lois is again, just fine, but I want her to be more action-packed.  She gets into trouble immediately in the beginning of this movie – but I did like the call back to that later in the movie as she realizes she is the reason they were able to get to Clark.

  • I know there are Jesse Eisenberg fans out there – and hey, that’s great. I thought he was interesting in Now You See Me, but he just does not fit here.  I think he’s really great at what he does – but I do not think what he does is Lex Luthor.  Again – this is because I have preconceived notions of Lex from both Smallville and the animated series – so perhaps if I didn’t have those issues, he would be fine?  I actually liked his plan, and some of his lines, but I couldn’t help but think how much better they would be delivered by someone else.  Lex is Superman’s main villain and needs to be able to stand toe to toe with him – I love the versions of Lex that are large and physically imposing, and the genius intellect is always a piece.  Rosenbaum on Smallville was always charming and charismatic – and had 8 years to show the slow decline to true super-villainy.  Clancy Brown’s version on the animated series was always calm, cool, collected – and able to win over people with rational plans and charm.  Eisenberg does convey the genius, but comes off more annoying than villain-y.  It’s a shame, because this version of Luthor is one that you could have easily sided with in the beginning, if he was more rational and likable. 

  • There are several other actors that I would have preferred, but I found it interesting that Matt Damon’s name was on the list of potentials – how interesting would that have been? He’s certainly capable of evil – go back and watch School Ties if you forgot – and he would have pulled off the genius part as well as the charm…

  • In terms of the other Justice League members – you see Aquaman, Cyborg, and Flash all briefly – mainly in the videos that Diana clicks through in Bruce’s email.  I’m excited about Jason Momoa’s version of Aquaman, I think he’s going to be a big, angry, eco-warrior, which is how I like my Aquaman.  The Cyborg clip was nightmarish – basically Joe Morton is working with less that what was left of Joel Kinneman in that terrible Robocop remake.  And the Flash – well, that’s going to be tough, because there’s a reason Grant Gustin’s version is the number one show on the CW.  He’s really charming, funny, and accessible – none of those are words I would use to describe Ezra Miller.  We’ll see where they go with that.  I’m still holding out for an awesome John Stewart version of Green Lantern and an amazing Martian Manhunter – we’ve got a few years before Snyder releases his Justice League movie.
Overall – it wasn’t nearly as bad as I was expecting, but it still wasn’t great.  It’s not fair to compare it to the Marvel movies, DC is purposefully going for something completely different – but the reality is that when I walk out of a Marvel movie – I cannot wait to go see it again because it was so much fun!  This movie, I don’t want to see again because it was completely joyless - well, maybe just the Wonder Woman bit at the end!

6 out of 10 (Man of Steel was a 5)– if they had just trimmed some things down – removed the dream sequence and kept it to two hours, that probably would have shifted it up a bit.

Bonus – Don’t be sad Ben, you were the best part of that mess!

Kimmel Fun:

Monday, March 14, 2016

Movie Review: London has Fallen (R – 99 minutes)

This is the second Gerard Butler movie in as many weeks, and unfortunately, I think I may have had enough of him for the year. 

Olympus Has Fallen was released almost exactly 3 years ago (3/22/16), and was one of two bad-guys-take-over-the-white-house movies that year.  It was the better of the two and was directed by Antoine Fuqua – a really great action director.  Basically, North Korean baddies managed to sneak into the White House, take the President hostage, and attempt to get nuclear codes from him as the Vice President and head of the Secret Service yell at Secret Service officer Mike Banning through a speaker phone while he sneaks around the White House trying to save the President.  Spoiler alert – he does.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_ePFctnIqo 

This time around – the movie opens with a drone strike on a weapons dealer in Pakistan.  The drone misses the dealer, and his sons – but wipes out his daughter and everyone at her wedding.  That’s going to cause him to hold a big-time grudge. 

Two years later, Banning is expecting a baby with his wife, and is about to resign from the Secret Service.  He has just settled in for a week’s vacation to finish up the nursery, when the White House informs him that the Prime Minister of England has just died, and all the heads-of-state are headed to London for the funeral.  The President wants Banning there with him, so they head out along with Lynne Jacobs – head of the Secret Service, who in a terrible Dead-Meat-From-Hot-Shots-moment accepts Banning’s request to be the baby’s godmother.  There’s an establishing shot – which is either clever or insulting, I couldn’t really decide which – where we see where each of the heads-of-state are prior to the funeral.  Banning has stepped up the President’s schedule, so he’s already at St. Paul’s cathedral.  The Italian Prime Minister and his wife are touring Westminster Abbey, the Japanese Prime Minister is in his car on Tower bridge, stuck in traffic.  The French President is on a boat on the Thames, preparing to head to the cathedral, and the German chancellor seems to be hanging out in front of Buckingham Palace.  MI5 is just talking about how terrible the logistics of this situation are when suddenly – coordinated attacks take out everyone where they are – missing the U.S. President, because of the schedule change.

Banning and Jacobs get the President to a helicopter that will take him to Air Force One, but they are shot down – and (spoiler alert) Jacobs doesn’t make it, but you knew that would happen after the godmother discussion earlier in the movie.  Banning escapes with the President on foot as Barkawi – the weapons dealer – announces his plan and intentions – which is basically vengeance on all the countries who authorized the hit that missed him but got his daughter.  His oldest son, Kamran, plans to execute the President live and stream it everywhere as a show of power since they missed him in the initial hit. 
Banning meets up with a MI6 agent at her safe house – and they prep to find the mole in Scotland Yard – and get the President out safely.  That goes wrong – the bad guys get him, and Banning has to Die-Hard his way into a building to get him back.

This one is directed by Iranian director Babak Najafi, who previously did Easy Money 2 – Hard to Kill.  To give you some clue about this movie - Antoine Fuqua directed the first one, but declined to direct this one because he did not like the script.  The movie is directed just fine, I actually didn’t mind the sequence where Banning enters the building that the bad guys are barricaded in, it wasn’t a single shot – but was set up to look like one and it felt a bit like a video game.   It also felt very 80s-action-movie, but not in a good way like the Expendables do.  In this one, it just felt sloppy and cheesy.  Sample line from the aforementioned scene where Banning says he’s going alone into the building, “Are you crazy? There’s over 100 guys in there!?”  “Well, they should have brought more guys.”  Groan.  It’s certainly not as polished as the first one, which I think is mainly just the experience of Fuqua over Najafi.  The cast was again – surprisingly good for a movie of this level - but the really good people are not given enough to do.
  • Gerard Butler can still not do a passable American accent, but is certainly action capable. He felt way more brutal in this movie than in the first, and I’m not sure that was a good addition.  There’s a scene in which he stabs one of the bad guys, then twists the knife so that the guy’s brother can hear him scream over the radio – not for any information or anything, just to do it.  The president asks if that was really necessary, and Banning responds, “No.”  It just seemed like an odd escalation for a guy we’re supposed to believe wants out to spend time with his baby, and in the first movie was smart and concise.

  • Aaron Eckhart plays President Benjamin Asher, and from time to time looked more action-movie ready than Butler.  He certainly was running better than him in the opening jogging sequence. 

  • Radha Mitchell is back as Leah Banning – and really has nothing to do but sit around her house being worried about Mike.

  • Waleed Zuaiter plays Kamran Barkawi – who is bound and determined to get to the President and machete him on screen to make a point.

  • Alon Aboutboul plays Aamir Barkawi – the mastermind who pulls all the strings from far away.

  • Colin Salmon plays a similar role to what he played in all the Brosnan Bond movies as Chief Hazard – head of Scotland Yard – he spends most of the movie astounded by what happened and scrambling to figure out how to stop it, fix it, and find the mole.  I really could have used more of him in this movie, but I can always use more of him.  Honestly, if he hadn’t already been in the Bond movies, I would have been pushing for him to be James Bond.

  • Patrick Kennedy plays MI5 Officer John Lancaster who is all about helping out – until he isn’t.

    • Angela Basset gets more action in this one than in the first as Lynne Jacobs.  She’s not in it very long, but was certainly fun while she was there. It made me want more action movies from her – I think she could pull that off.

    • Morgan Freeman has been promoted in this one – he was the Speaker of the house in the previous movie, but is VP Trumball now – and does it the same way, from the office room where he commands everyone.  Watch for his first scene, which seems to be pieced together because he wasn’t really there – as a Freeman-ish body double walks away from Butler in the background after their conversation.

    • Jackie Earle Haley pops up as DC Mason, an advisor in the ‘war room’.

    • Robert Forster and Melissa Leo reprise their roles from the first movie – mostly just cameos as advisors in the ‘war room’.

    • Charlotte Riley plays Banning’s contact MI6 agent Jacquelin Marshall.  She helps shelter Banning and the President while they are on the run, and finds the mole who helped the baddies from the inside.

    Overall it wasn’t terrible, but I felt like it was terribly heavy-handed.  That’s an odd thing to say about an action movie, but there’s certainly a way to do things smoothly and slickly, and this one really felt clunky in parts.  Banning’s role was just a bit over the top – and there was way too much of the ‘kill-em-all’ mentality, which felt out of place, since the bad guy made it very clear early on that this was his plan, and he alone was responsible for all this – as opposed to a larger, generic war with a group, country, or people.  I felt that could have been portrayed a little better.  I also wanted more interaction with all the other countries who had been hit.  The movie made a huge show of all the heads-of-state getting wiped out – why not assemble a team of the most elite agents from each country to come in and go after the villains instead of Banning Die-Hard-ing it?  That would have been really interesting, and then that group could become this elite UN team that could get their own spin-off.  Hey – it practically writes itself.

    I gave Olympus Has Fallen 7 out of 10 – giving this one 5 out of 10. Gained points for the team that tried to help Banning, then lost points for Banning not needing the help. 

    Cast Interviews:
    Bonus Fun - Butler on the Late Late Show - 

    Thursday, March 3, 2016

    Movie Review: Gods of Egypt (PG13 – 127 minutes)

    Well, I certainly saw this movie, and there are no Egyptians in it. None.

    While it was not the disaster I was expecting, it still wasn’t great.  Let’s start with the fact that I love ancient Egyptian mythology.  Like all ancient mythologies, it tells stories of ancient gods and goddesses to help explain life.  We’re aware of these stories because they were recorded in pictographs and hieroglyphics – with many of the gods taking full or half animal form: Set (dog), Horus (hawk), Thoth (Ibis), Hathor (cow), Anubis (jackal), etc.  

    There are many stories involving the gods, and we have many ancient images of those stories.  For Example - Ra, the sun god, travels across the sky daily on his barge, battling Apophis – the serpent god of Chaos.

    In another story - Osiris, god of both fertility and kingship – was married to Isis and had a son, Horus. He was killed by his brother Set, who scattered the pieces all over.  Isis gathered the pieces to reassemble them with the funerary deities Nephthys and Anubis, so that he could be properly buried.  Set then competes with Horus for the throne – during the conflict, Set tears out Horus’s eyes, which are later restored by the healing efforts of Thoth (god of wisdom and knowledge) or Hathor (goddess of joy and love).  Because of this story, the Eye of Horus (who is often depicted with a hawk-head) is a symbol of life and well-being. 

    This story is the one covered in the movie Gods of Egypt.  The people of Egypt are living alongside their gods, (who are bigger – which makes sense, because in Egyptian Hieroglyphs, the gods are almost always depicted as twice the size of mortals).  We are introduced to thief Bek and his lady friend Zaya.  There’s a coronation taking place because Osiris is about to hand down his crown to his son Horus.  Horus starts the day partied out from the night before, and a bit chastised by his love Hathor.  He’s just about to ask her to marry him, when it’s time to go get that crown.  We’re treated to an opulent scene where all the gods and goddess arrive for the ceremony – and just as Horus is about to be crowned, Set shows up, and gets all angry about ruling over the desert while Osiris got to rule over the nice part of Egypt – right there around the Nile.  

    Well, Set promptly stabs Osiris, who starts gushing gold everywhere (the gods bleed gold – because why wouldn’t they?).  Horus attempts to fight back – even though a few of the other gods tell him now is not the time.  In doing this - both he and Set transform into near-robotic entirely-metallic versions of themselves...I have no idea why.  

    Set tears out Horus's eyes – and begins a tyrannical rule. He states that the only way for mortals to get into the good part of the afterlife is with great piles of gold and such, and that all mortals now work for him.
    We catch up with Bek a good deal later as he again goes to visit Zaya, who is now a slave to the master builder (yes, similar to that storyline from the Ten Commandments).  Well, Bek tries to rescue her, but the builder kills her – and so he steals Horus’s eye from the trap-ridden hall using plans stolen from the builder.  

    He then reluctantly travels to Horus (who has been living in exile) to attempt to get him to bring Zaya back – because she has nothing to give to the judges and so won’t make it into the nice part of the afterlife.  Horus is unconvinced, but Bek gives him the one eye – so he agrees to go with Bek to get the other.

    Meanwhile, Set is going around wiping out any gods leftover.  They all seem to be hiding out with Nepthys, and her super-fancy wings.  He rides his chariot pulled by fancy scarabs up to her palace and promptly steals her wings – then gets angry when he learns what Horus is up to.  It turns out, he’s been keeping Hathor (or is she just staying with him?) and she promptly takes off to help Bek and Horus.  Horus goes so far as to head up to Ra in the sky to ask for assistance.  Ra is super busy dragging the sun across the sky and fighting off Apophis, who is pictured here as a giant space worm that wants to eat existence (you know, the standard stuff), so he’s not all that thrilled with the interruption, but does what he can.  Bek and Horus fight off Set’s hunters (who are riding giant fire-breathing snakes - because, giant fire-breathing snakes);  

    They visit Thoth (who only trusts himself with collecting knowledge, so his temple is filled with duplicates of him); they pop in and out of the underworld, which really annoys Annubis.  They go to Set’s pyramid and answer a question from the Sphinx (who didn't look nearly Sphinx-y enough for me).

    Set threatens Ra and steals his staff.  Set assimilates a bunch of stuff he steals from everybody else, but Horus eventually defeats him, restores Ra, and brings peace back to the Nile – saving everyone from the space worm, and guaranteeing that good deeds will get you to the afterlife, not gold and riches.
    Alex Proyas, the director, also did I Robot, Dark City, and the Crow – all of which were pretty good, so I had high hopes for this – until I saw the casting.  There are no Egyptian actors in this movie;  the majority of the actors are white.   And while ‘gods’ maybe don’t need to be ethnically the same as the area they preside over…come on:  a Scotsman and a Dane and a multitude of Australians?  It was filmed in the Australian desert, using much of the same crew that was used for Mad Max Fury Road.  Back when Cecil B. DeMille made the Ten Commandments, there weren’t a ton of actors in the middle east.  But now that region has a thriving film industry and tons of actors.  You could have found a couple of Egyptians to play Egyptians – what about Amr Waked as Set (he would have been amazing) and Sammy Sheik or Ahmed Ezz as Horus? They’re all Egyptian. 

    The look of the movie is actually not bad – it certainly is pretty, and I saw it in 3D, which made certain parts look fantastic – especially Ra’s barge.   The costumes were beautiful, and the story is not terrible, and I thought the effects of the gods being taller was interesting – as well as the transportation back and forth between the underworld.  I really loved Nepthys’s wings. 

    • Brenton Thwaites (Australian) plays Bek – and he’s passable as the charming thief.  He’s not terrible and does okay running and jumping over what must have been extensive blue screen.  Honestly, the parts he’s the weakest in are the interactions with Zaya.

    • Zaya is played by Courtney Eaton, another Australian.  She was Cheedo (the Fragile) in Mad Max Fury Road and she’s not terrible here, but not really interesting.  She spends most of her time encouraging Bek to have faith in the gods, and then wandering through the underworld without a tribute.

    • Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (Danish) plays Horus – and really seems miscast.  Okay – lots of the actors seem miscast, but he really seems uncomfortable in the role of hero (he’s a better villain), and just uninterested in most of the movie.  Also – I feel like he was probably too old for this role.  Also – this is strange – but I didn’t really buy him in the action scenes.

    • French actress Elodie Yung plays goddess of love Hathor – and I really enjoyed her.  She saunters her way through the movie, with no problem using her powers to get what she wants.  It made me excited to see what she will do as Elektra on the Daredevil Netflix show.

    • Bryan Brown (Australian) plays Osiris, and while it was exciting to see him again, certainly not the way I would have gone for the god who rules all of Egypt.  Oh well, at least it reminded me of how much I enjoyed the movie FX, and maybe I should watch that again. Rachael Blake (also Australian) plays his wife Isis.
    • Emma Booth (Australian) plays Nepthys – who apparently was Set’s wife, but then left him when he started taking over and killing everyone and everything.  Again – her wings were the coolest!
    • Rufus Sewell (British) plays Urshu – the master builder, and man is he entertaining.  He’s always good, and is best as a slimy villain, which he does just perfectly here. 
    • Here’s a surprise for you – Geoffrey Rush (Australian) plays Ra.  That’s right, someone cast Captain Barbosa as the Sun God.  He actually does a fine job of being annoyed at his son Set and annoyed at Apophis, and annoyed at Horus.  Just not the way I would have gone.

    • Gerard Butler (Scottish) plays Set, and chews every piece of the CGI scenery he can find as he tromps through the greenscreens threatening everyone.  He’s great as a villain, but again – just feels wrong.  He certainly does give it his all, and I didn’t mind the storyline of him stealing random pieces from each of the gods he kills in order to become more powerful.

    • The very best part of this movie is Chadwick Boseman as Thoth.  Boseman’s star is really on the rise, and I’m telling you now – if you’re not already on his bandwagon from 42, Draft Day, and Get On Up – get on it now before Cap 3 Civil War comes out and he finally brings T’Challa to the screen.  He’s incredible in almost everything he does, and he really is a bright spot in this movie.  Thoth is full of himself and a little bit bored by everyone and everything around him – but is super excited to take on the Sphinx’s riddle.  I loved the idea that he only trusted himself, so his wisdom storehouse is filled with replicas of him processing and storing knowledge.  Also – really fancy outfit.  And – how is he okay at the end after Set rips out his brain? Ra, I guess? 

    In summary, it looked good, it’s miscast, and it’s not as terrible as I was expecting, but it’s still not great.  How’s that for a summary? It's really a shame, because it could have been amazing.  If you are going to see it – see it in 3D.  I think that helped.  Anubis looked really cool, but I’ve always been partial to him.  He and Bastet were always my favorites!

    5 out of 10 – Gained points for the effects and for Boseman. Lost points for all the Australians.

    Bonus Video - I couldn't help but think about the last good Gerard Butler movie I saw...yes, Olympus Has Fallen was pretty good (the sequel is out this coming weekend), Reign of Fire was awesome, but one of the first times I saw him was Dracula 2000 - which I loved!  Check it out, if you haven't seen it.