Movie Review: The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (PG13 – 144 minutes)

I gave the first Hobbit (An Unexpected Journey), 6 out of 10 (it was beautiful, but long and slow, with a surprising amount of singing).  I gave the second Hobbit (Desolation of Smaug) 7 out of 10 (better, more interesting, and Dragon!) .  And now, we have (finally) the third Hobbit movie, The Battle of the Five Armies.  Be forewarned – this one is long, mainly because I feel compelled to explain everything that happened – also, be doubly forewarned – I have not read the books!

The tail end of this epic is once again directed by Peter Jackson, and this one is 2 hours and 24 minutes, which is the shortest of the three (2 was 2 hours 41 minutes, and 1 was two hours 49 minutes) and picks up immediately after the ending of the previous film – which ended just as Smaug had finished berating Bilbo for what felt like hours and the dwarves had tried to drown him in gold.  That didn’t work, because as you know – dragons love gold (still befuddled by that).  In any case, he heads over to destroy Laketown as the elf Tauriel takes Fili, Kili, Oin, Bofur (those are all dwarves) and Bard’s children (those are human Laketown residents), out of the city.  Bard breaks free and kills Smaug (after Smaug talks at him for a bit) with the black arrow.  

The survivors of the town wash up on a shore near them and head over to the ruins of Dale (which apparently was a city just outside the gates of Erebor – the dwarf kingdom, or that place under the mountain that Smaug was in).  Kili tells Tauriel he loves her, and she seems about to go with it, when Legolas and his wig show up, and she decides to go with him to Gundabad because those orcs were suspicious, and he’s worried about what the orcs of Gundabad are up to.  Meanwhile – Kili, Fili, Oin, and Bofur arrive at Erebor, and learn from Bilbo that Thorin Oakenshield – the dwarf king – who was the point of this mission (to get him back to his kingdom) is now suffering from dragon sickness – or, you know, wanting to hoard all your gold.  He’s going a bit crazy looking for the Arkenstone, which Bilbo has ‘borrowed’.  

As you remember (or, if you’re anything like me, you don’t), Gandalf is still being held at Dol Guldur in a cage.  He seems to telepathically call Radagst, to ask for assistance, which upsets Sauron and his nine not-quite-yet ring wraiths.  They appear, not really corporeal yet, and Galadriel, Elrond, and Saruman show up like a bunch of badasses and kick the wraiths back to the where-ever-it-is they were coming from.  The big Sauron eye shows up for a second, but Galadriel uses some sort of elf magic to cast him into the horizon.  Seriously – he just drifts away towards the sunset.  This wears out Galadriel, but does free/revive Gandalf, who gets taken away by Radagast and his still-awesome jackrabbit-pulled sled, who he then promptly ditches to warn Erebor of the approaching army of Orcs, led by Azog the Defiler – even though Bolg (who has no nickname) is heading north to get another army of Orcs from Gundabad.  Saruman tells Elrond to take Galadriel to leave Sauron to him (treachery is the way of the Sith), which is apparently when he starts working with the big eye.

Bard and the Laketown folks stay in Dale, and he leaves Alfrid (a horrible, terrible person who worked for the Master of Laketown before he was killed by falling dragon) on watch.  Alfrid of course misses the fact that Thranduil has shown up overnight with his army of wood elves in super shiny armor and supplies for the people.  Thranduil (who is the wood elf king, and Legolas’s father) is riding the most magnificent giant deer/elk/moose ever CGIed, and is all pissy because apparently there are elf gems in the treasure pile in Erebor that he wants back.  Bard wants the pile of gold that Thorin promised the people of Laketown – after all, everything they had is gone due to the dragon that Thorin pissed off.  Thranduil and Bard decide to work together to go into Erebor – since Thorin has commanded the dwarves to block up the entrance (which they accomplish really quickly, or maybe really slowly?  There’s no way to tell how much time is passing in this movie).  

Gandalf arrives to warn of the approaching orc army, and Thranduil and his ego doubt all that.  Bilbo uses the ring again (each time you use it, it corrupts your soul!  And calls out to its master!  Stop using it!) to sneak out, he tells Thranduil, Bard, and Gandalf that Thorin is completely bonkers, and that he took the Arkenstone.  He gives it to Thranduil and Bard, telling them that Thorin will trade whatever they want for it – since he wants it more than anything else.

The next day – the dwarves are gearing up – and Thorin gives Bilbo a mithril shirt (elvish chain mail, that will come into play in the LOTR stories).  The armies of Bard (which is not much of an army, just some poorly equipped Laketown survivors) and Thranduil meet up at the gate of Erebor and tell Thorin they have the Arkenstone, and ask him to trade for the gold/elf gems.  Thorin doubts they really have it, but Bilbo tells him it is the real one, and that he gave it to them.  That pisses Thorin off, and he’s about to throw Bilbo over the wall, when Gandalf distracts him and Bilbo gets away.  Then, randomly, a dwarf army shows up, led by Dain (Thorin’s cousin) – apparently having received word that Erebor is back in dwarf hands and Smaug is dead (how did they get that message?).  They threaten the elves, who are not impressed, and are preparing to attack when Azog’s army or Orcs shows up – forcing the dwarves, men, and elves to fight against them together.

Thorin at first refuses to fight, and has a bit of a trippy guilt sequence, when he finally regains his mind and leads his dwarves out of Erebor into the fray.  This bolsters the army that was being outnumbered by the orcs and the tide starts to turn.  Thorin takes his best fighters (Dwalin, Fili, and Kili) to Ravenhill (which apparently is a big hill of ruins that was right next to Dale the whole time, and is where Azog is leading his forces from) to kill Azog – thinking that will break the rest of the orcs.  Tauriel and Legolas arrive back at Dale, just as Thranduil was thinking about retreating, because he’s seen enough elf blood spilled (what about those gems you were so serious about a minute ago?).  Legolas and Tauriel head up to Ravenwood to let Thorin know that Bolg is coming in from Gundabad with another army of orcs and bats (bats? What?).  Bilbo volunteers to go tell Thorin as well. 

At Ravenhill – Thorin and company suddenly have to deal with an army of Goblin mercenaries (which is no problem for them – the goblins are on screen all of 2 minutes, maybe)after riding up the hill on mountain goats (where did they come from?).  Both Fili and Kili get killed by Azog – Tauriel takes this really hard, because she realizes she did love Kili, and he did get killed trying to protect her.  Legolas battles Bolg to save Tauriel, and Thorin battles Azog on a frozen lake (why is there a frozen lake on top of a mountain of ruins?).  Thorin wins – but is mortally wounded. Bilbo wakes up to see the giant eagles appear carrying Radagast and Beorn the sometimes a bear – sometimes a man guy from the previous story into the battle.  He makes it over to Thorin just to make peace with him as he dies.

Legolas tells Thranduil that he can’t go back with him (not sure why), so Thranduil suggests he ride north to meet a ranger named Strider, because it will be key in the next book.  Bilbo says goodbye to the remaining dwarves and heads for home with Gandalf.  Gandalf leaves him just before reaching the Shire, telling Bilbo to be wary of magic rings, and Bilbo lies and says it fell out of his pocket – you have to know by now you cannot lie to wizards.  Bilbo arrives home to find his possessions being auctioned off, because he was presumed dead.  He clarifies who he is, and goes into his house.  We then catch up with old Bilbo – just on the day Gandalf comes back to visit 60 years later.

The cast is the same, there’s no one really new in this one,

• Ian McKellen plays Gandalf, still gray, and still grumpy, but fun.

• Martin Freeman plays young Bilbo (Ian Holme plays old Bilbo).  He really does a good job in this movie as Bilbo begins to step into his own and gain some confidence.

• Richard Armitage plays Thorin, and while the going crazy sequence was weird – he did a great job everywhere else.  The final battle between he and Azog was great.

• The other dwarves are once again, almost indistinguishable – except for Kili.  Ken Stott plays Balin, Graham McTavish plays Dwalin, William Kircher plays Bifur, James Nesbitt plays Bofur, Stephen Hunter plays Bombur, Dean O’Gorman plays Fili, Aidan Turner plays Kili, John Callen plains Oin, Peter Hambleton plays Gloin, Jed Brophy plays Nori, Mark Hadlow plays Dori, and Adam Brown plays Ori.

• Orlando Bloom plays Legolas again, and in this one, he’s all determination and bitterness.

• Evangeline Lilly plays Tauriel, and say what you want about her being a made up character for the movie – she’s great, and I’m glad she’s there, otherwise there would be almost zero women in the movie.  Unfortunately, she is belittled with a love triangle storyline between Kili and Legolas, but at least she was there.

• Lee Pace is once again the very best part of this movie.  He was the best part of the second one, and was barely in it.  This time, he gets to be in the majority of the movie, and ride that awesome deer-thing, and fight a bunch of orcs, and chew the hell out of all the scenery – awesome.

• Cate Blanchett plays Galadriel, and she gets a little scary when banishing Sauron.

• Hugo Weaving has basically a cameo with a hero’s entrance as Elrond.

• Christopher Lee plays Saruman – and I really don’t know how anyone trusts him, he’s clearly evil.

• Mikael Persbrandt plays Beorn the Bear – very briefly.

• Sylvester McCoy plays Radagast the brown.

• Luke Evans plays Bard, the sudden leader of Laketown, who was pretty great with that black arrow to defeat the dragon, then really steps up in the battle.

• Ryan Gage plays the terrible Alfrid, who never gets his comeuppance, which I found very irritating – but perhaps that character turns into the Wormtongue character in the LOTR stories?  Otherwise, I could not understand why he gets away.

• Manu Bennett plays Azog – and once again, I really wish he had been a practical effect instead of a digital one, it would have made a difference for me.

• John Tui plays Bolg – same deal there.

• Benedict Cumberbatch voiced both Smaug and the necromancer, who turned into the big eye that would become Sauron.

• Billy Connolly brought some fun to Dain, the dwarf who rides into battle on a war-pig, and has tusks in his beard to match his steed.  He was fantastic.

 So – overall, I suppose I liked it, but I sure didn’t love it.  Once again, the movie looks amazing, but I have to say – I really miss the guys-in-suits look of the Orcs from the LOTR movies.  The orcs in this series are all CGI, and that makes me check out a bit from the story.  Azog was an impressive figure, but why not have Manu Bennett in prosthetics, instead of CGI?   It had this amazing ability to have too much going on, and be boring at the same time.  The battle sequences are so big that they can overwhelm the audience, and again, they caused me to check out a bit.  The smaller fights that were more one-on-one were more interesting to watch.  I would have loved more practical effects, and I almost could have used a map here and there to help figure out where all these locations were in relation to one another.  At least this one ended once – well, maybe three times – instead of the six endings on Return of the King.  It’s beautiful, and it’s fun, it’s still a little too long, and there are a lot of loose ends (what about the elf-gems?  Where did those goblins come from, and where did they go? What was the deal with the bats?)  And, what were the five armies?  Elves, Men, Dwarves, Orcs – then the goblins?  Or the second Orc army?  Or the eagles? But, overall, it’s certainly entertaining.

7 out of 10, tied with the previous one.  Lost points for the aforementioned questions, and gained points for Lee Pace.

Bonus Video 1:  How the Unexpected Journey should have ended.

Bonus Video 2:  How Desolation of Smaug should have ended

Bonus Video 3:  Honest Trailer for LOTR

Bonus Video 4:  The 2014 San Diego Comic-Con Hobbit Panel - hosted by Stephen Colbert!

Retro Movie Review: Grudge Match (PG13 – 113 minutes)

I finally got around to watching this movie – which was released about a year ago.  It’s a movie that seems to exist exclusively because of the pitch in the producer’s office:  “What if we have Rocky fight Raging Bull?”  I imagine someone said – “They’d never do it.”  Imagine their surprise when both parties said yes?

Grudge Match is a quick little movie with a very simple premise.  Henry ‘Razor’ Sharp and Billy ‘The Kid’ McDonnen were boxers back in the day.  They had two fights, each winning one.  The Kid is angry they never had a re-match to determine who was better because Razor basically walked away from his boxing career.  He did this partially because The Kid slept with Razor’s girlfriend, and got her pregnant.  Razor walked away – content to never see either of them again.  Razor’s working at a local steel mill, and taking care of his ailing trainer.  Kid is living the high life with several small businesses – and squeezing every last cent out of his fame.  However, the son of the promoter who arranged their matches, shows up with an idea – to get both of them to record some motion-capture moves for a new boxing video game.  That way fans can get the rematch virtually – even if it won’t happen in real life.  While recording some moves, Razor is interrupted by Kid, causing them to brawl a bit – which sparks interest in a rematch.  The promoter puts it together, and Razor is forced to deal with all the crap he thought he put behind him. 

Directed by Peter Segal (Tommy Boy, Anger Management, 50 First Dates, The Longest Yard, Get Smart), the comedy is quick, and the emotion is also pretty good.  I have to say – I think it’s a smart move to make Sly the one who is angry and grumpy and DeNiro the one who pushes the comedy a little more.  The movie is not great – but it’s surprisingly entertaining – and mainly because of the cast.

• Sylvester Stallone plays Henry ‘Razor’ Sharp – who is grumpy, old, and worried.  He does a good job, and really – he’s best when he gets to be just a little understated.  In this movie, he gets to let everyone else around him go big, and he can just quietly react.  Again – he still can’t turn his head due to that neck injury a few years back, but it’s fine for this movie. 

• Robert DeNiro plays Billy ‘The Kid’ McDonnen, and he is completely over-the-top ridiculous, but also, pretty good in the small scenes dealing with the sudden reappearance of the son that Sally didn’t want him to have any contact with.  DeNiro is a smart actor – and knows his strengths, and carefully keeps the comedy within his range.

• Kevin Hart makes everything just a bit better (his Real Housewives spoof show "Real Husbands of Hollywood" is now streaming on Netflix, please do yourself a favor and watch it) – playing Dante Slate Jr., the son of the promoter the boxers used to work with.  He’s basically just playing Kevin Hart – as he always does – but when you’re a fan of Kevin Hart, that works great!  Honestly, I could have watched hours of outtakes from between he and Alan Arkin.

• Speaking of which, Alan Arkin plays Razors old trainer, who tries to get Razor back into shape, and is there mostly for comedy relief, but also some touching ‘tough love’ moments.  It’s the kind of role that Arkin excels at – so no stretching, but solid work.

• Kim Basinger plays Sally.  She plays her with just a touch of sadness.  When she cheated on Razor – he never gave her the chance to explain, and she had been carrying that for 30 years.  Basinger is really understated here, and that works really well.  I haven’t seen her in a while, and thought she was good in this.

• Jon Bernthal returns to the land of the living to play B.J. – Kid and Sally’s son.  He basically does a young DeNiro impression, which works really well in this.  His storyline is exceptionally predictable, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  He shows up – introduces himself to Kid as his son – they start to work together – they have a falling out – they reconcile.  Unfortunately, Walking Dead ruined him for me, and I will never trust him in anything ever.

• In some small cameo-type fun parts, Anthony Anderson is Mr. Sandpaper Hands, LL Cool J plays a gym owner who does not want to help Kid – and Joey Diaz plays the trainer Kid has until he replaces him.

Overall, the movie is nothing fancy, nothing new, but it’s solid entertainment for just under two hours.  It’s funny, and it’s also touching.  It’s certainly worth renting, but I’m glad I didn’t pay for it in the theater.

6 out of 10.  Gained points for Kevin Hart.  Lost points for Kid’s womanizing – ewww..  Gained points for L.L., but lost points for Kid handling him quickly.  Gained points for the two boxers visiting a UFC match and really just being confused about the whole thing.  Gained points for the fake promos they shoot.

Bonus Video 1:  Tommy Boy – from the same director – and one of my favorite comedies.

Bonus Video 2: Oscar – a Sly comedy I love!

Bonus Video 3:  Cast Interviews:

Movie Review: Horrible Bosses 2 (R – 108 minutes)

I really enjoyed the first Horrible Bosses.   Not because it was particularly well-directed or well-acted; mainly because of the cast, and the complete ease with which the three leads interacted with each other.  I’ve been a fan of Jason Bateman since the Hogan Family and through Arrested Development (if you’ve never watched that – it’s on Netflix, go ahead and binge-watch the first few seasons).  Charlie Day is arguably the funniest part of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, and Jason Sudekis was hilarious on many years of SNL.  Together, the three of them were charming and hilarious, and it was easy to see that they had a great time making the movie and probably improv-ing most of the scenes.

Basically – the first movie told the tale of three regular guys who each had literally horrible bosses.  I mean, truly horrible bosses.  They hatch a desperate and stupid plot to try to kill their bosses – which goes horribly awry – leading to many comedy hijinks.

The second one picks up fairly quickly with a very quick summary of the events of the previous film – in case you didn’t see it.  Nick, Kurt, and Dale decided to quit their jobs and be their own bosses – creating the “Shower Buddy”, a device that seems to shoot shampoo and body wash on you from your shower head – which doesn’t sound like a good idea to me.  They present it on a local TV morning show where it is seen by a big time investor.  He places a huge order with their fledgling company – which they fill, only to find that he’s planned for them to go into bankruptcy so that he can by their company and shift production to China.  The three are angry, and hatch a desperate and stupid plot to kidnap his son.  Guess what?  It goes horribly awry, and comedy hijinks ensue!

Unlike the first movie (which was directed by Seth Gordon, who did Breaking in on TV, and Identity Thief), this one is directed by Sean Anders, who did Sex Drive and That’s My Boy.  It requires very little complex directing – mainly just letting the actors go when they are on a roll.  As with the first movie, the plot is so completely ridiculous, the movie is basically slapstick humor, which works well with the cast. 

• Jason Bateman once again plays Nick – who seems to be the ‘brains’ of the operation.  Although – compared to his two friends, that is not saying much.  Bateman has an ease with comedy and comes off as completely relatable, even when in ridiculous circumstances.  His frustration with his two pals is complete, until he finally gives in and goes with their nonsense.

• Jason Sudekis plays Kurt – who is still the over-the-top womanizer he was in the first movie.  He has an amazing ability to play this dumb womanizing tool, and yet make him really likeable.  It’s an odd talent, but works well in this movie.  I love the bit with the walkie-talkies and code names.

• Charlie Day plays Dale – who married his love from the first movie (played by Lindsay Sloane) and they now have triplets.  Day is basically a human cartoon character, and his sputtering disbelief is completely hilarious.  I particularly enjoy Dale’s inclusion of his wife and kids in the fantasy success sequence, it’s cute and funny.

• Jennifer Aniston returns as Julia, the dentist – who was Dale’s sexual harassing boss in the first movie.  In this one, she is attempting (barely) to get treatment for her sex addiction.  I found Aniston hilarious in the first one, and she’s hilarious in this one as well.  It’s a great chance for her to show a completely different side from those who only knew her from Friends, but the side some of us remember from her sketch comedy show, The Edge.

• Kevin Spacey returns as Nick’s terrible boss Dave, who is now in prison as the result of his actions in the first movie.  They go to him for advice after realizing they don’t really know anything about business.  He doesn’t really help them so much as just make fun of them.

• Jamie Foxx plays Motherf**ka Jones – the ‘criminal’ the guys consult for assistance on their schemes.  Once again he proves to be a terrible negotiator, and offer terrible advice, but the guys come to him anyway.

• One of the new additions to the sequel is Christoph Waltz as Bert, the investor who orders from the guys only to turn around and screw them over.  He seems to handle everything with an extra bit of demonic glee, which is really fun to watch. 

• The second of the new additions is Chris Pine as Rex, Bert’s son, and would-be kidnap victim.  He’s the absolute worst kind of privileged kid, and I was a little worried about how Pine would fit in with the rest of this cast who are really comedy-capable, but he was the surprise for me, and was actually much better than I expected – and certainly funny.

There’s also a pretty great Keegan Michael Key cameo as one of the morning TV hosts.

Overall, I thought the movie was hilarious.  It might not be better than the first, but I thought it was almost as good.  I really enjoyed the scenes of the three guys planning together because, really, I would watch those three guys in a room doing improv for hours.

8 out of 10 – Gained points for the Dale’s kidnap plan, which involved a zipline and a trampoline.  Lost points for Rex’s secretary – sheesh.  Gained points for Kurt being amazed by Rex’s eyes when he starts crying “look how blue they are!”.   Lost points for Motherf**ka’s arrival at just the right moment (why was he there?) but then, gained points for the police chase, and for them waiting as a train goes by for the police, who are trapped on the other side – hilarious.

Bonus Video 1:  Breaking In – I thought this show was hilarious, and I’m sad it never really got a chance to get going.

Bonus Video 2:  Office Space - the first 'horrible boss' movie, also with Aniston!

Bonus Video 3:  Cast Interviews

Movie Review: Penguins of Madagascar (PG – 92 minutes)

So far, there have been 3 entries into the “Madagascar” animated movie series.  They focus around an unlikely group of friends (a zebra, a lion, a hippo, and a giraffe) who are hanging out in the New York Zoo, and accidentally go on worldwide adventures.

Those movies were certainly big hits, but as with the minions in the Despicable Me series, the thing people responded to most strongly were a group of side characters.  In this case, a group of military-minded penguins.

The Penguins did have their own animated series for a while, and finally, they have their own movie.  The movie is directed by Eric Darnell and Simon J. Smith, who are the same directors from all the previous Madagascar movies, so their level of expertise is pretty high by now.

The story for this movie starts by briefly showing the origin of the team as they rescue Private (while still in egg form) as he rolls off a cliff in Antarctica.  Skipper (the leader), Kowalski (the brains?), and Rico (demolitions), had already decided to break free of the other penguins “go with the flow” mentality and set out on their own adventures.  The story then jumps to the end of the last Madagascar movie (just when you thought you had gotten Chris Rock’s Polka Dot Afro song out of your head), as the penguins are ready for their next adventure.  Private is longing to prove that he is a valuable member of the team, and feeling like he is only valued for his cuteness.  The four have a run-in with an octopus masquerading as an evil scientist, with an entire legion of octopi henchmen.  His name is Dave, and he’s angry that he’s been shuffled from zoo to zoo, always being replaced by cuter penguins.  He launches an evil plan to capture all the penguins from all the zoos, and zap them with a ray that will un-cute them.

Skipper and the gang set out to disrupt his plan, and while in a chase sequence in Venice, they encounter the North Wind – an elite team of crime fighting northern winter animals.  After some initial not-getting-along, the two teams work together to solve the case, with Private finally proving his worth as a member of the team. 

Something I really enjoyed was that the filmmakers stayed with the original voices for the four penguins, Tom McGrath (Skipper), Chris Miller (Kowalski), Christopher Knights (Private), and Conrad Vernon (Rico).  When making animated movies, the tendency is to go with big name actors, which is useless, because there are several talented voice actors out there.  The rest of the cast does have some big names in it.

• John Malkovich plays the evil octopus, Dave.  And – he’s really perfect as an evil octopus.

• Benedict Cumberbatch voices the husky, Classified, who is the leader of the North Wind.  He tries to maintain his dignity in the face of the Penguin nonsense.

• Ken Jeong plays Short Fuse, who seems to be a baby fur seal.  He’s very fluffy and cute.

• Annet Mahendru plays Eva, a snow owl, who does a lot of flirting with Kowalsky.

• Peter Stormare plays Corporal – a large polar bear.  Here’s a bit of trivia for you, polar bears and penguins never, ever encounter each other in the wild.  Polar Bears are exclusively northern hemisphere animals, and penguins are exclusively southern hemisphere animals. 

That’s about it, cast-wise.  As animated movies go, I was really pleased.  It's great for kids, as most of the humor is straightforward, but I have to say adults will enjoy it too!  It was really funny, and I laughed almost constantly.  I have always found the leads in the Madagascar movies a little annoying, and really spent most of the time waiting for the penguins to show up.  It’s solidly funny from top to bottom, and the animation is great. 

7 out of 10 – gained points for the penguins breaking into Fort Knox for snacks.  Lost points for the un-cute-ing of the penguins giving them random effects, like antlers, or tentacles.  Gained points for the rolling over the white stripes on the pavement…just hilarious.  Also – gained big time bonus points for Dave’s random celebrity name-checking while giving orders. “Helen!  Hunt them down!  Kevin!  Bake-on! We’ll need that cake!”  There’s a ton of those, subtle jokes for the older crowd.

Bonus Video 1:  The minion spin off movie for next summer – here’s hoping it’s as funny as this was!

Bonus Video 2:  Cast Interviews

Movie Review: Beyond the Lights (PG13 – 116 minutes)

I still can’t bring myself to spend the 3 hours and 9 minutes it takes to watch Interstellar, but I was happy to go see the under two hour romance/drama Beyond the Lights.  

There are many movies that tell the tale of what it’s “really” like to be a music superstar from the musician’s point of view.   A Star is Born certainly comes to mind, as well as the movie version of the play Dreamgirls.

They all seem to let us know that the fame and glory is not all it’s cracked up to be.   

Beyond the Lights is written and directed by UCLA film grad Gina Prince-Bythewood (Secret Life of Bees, Disappearing Acts – which features Wesley Snipes and Sanaa Lathan as a couple after she had played his mother in Blade – save that in your trivia folder, and Love and Basketball).  It tells the story of Noni, a British pop tart, whose career has been carefully crafted by her mom-ager to make her a superstar.  She feels like she doesn’t exist, and is only the shell created by her mother and label.  She finally feels pushed to the breaking point one night after winning a Billboard award, and is about to jump from the balcony of her hotel room.  However, Kaz, the police officer hired as security for the night, saves her - convincing her that she is worth saving.  They begin a difficult relationship, working between his aspiring political career, and her very complicated career and half-relationship with a label-mate and rapper.  Eventually he helps her see that she does have some control over her own existence, giving her the inspiration to write and perform her own music.  Spoiler alert – there is a happy ending.

It’s a pretty standard plot, but what makes is really watchable is the exceptional directing.  Prince-Bythewood shoots the movie in a clean, straightforward way, but with enough layers that every time you have to watch Noni at “work”, you cringe.  Everything she is requested to do by her label – and by her mother – makes you so incredibly uncomfortable that you really understand why she is so unhappy.  You also begin to completely understand how Kaz also feels pressure to live up to the expectations of his own family.  The soundtrack also works really well with the simplicity of the direction.  However, the movie is truly elevated by some supremely elegant performances.

• Gugu Mbatha-Raw was recently in the movie Bell, was Tish Jones on Dr. Who, and was Samantha on the Undercovers, a show I loved that got canceled way too quickly.  She was very impressive in this movie, particularly because almost the entire first half of the movie requires her to act with only her eyes.  She manages to look sad and empty until she finally connects with Kaz.  Also – the physical transformation from the Noni that her mother has crafted to the Noni that Kaz helps to release is really beautiful.

• Nate Parker from Secret Life of Bees, Non-Stop, and Red Tails plays Kazam, who takes the shift of a buddy guarding a pop-star, and has his carefully crafted gameplan thrown all into a tizzy.  His father is very supportive of his plan (political science major, cop, then politician), in fact, he’s helping Kaz meet with various community leaders so that he will have their support when he runs for office.  Parker, like Mbatha-Raw can communicate multiple emotions with just his eyes, from confusion with her ‘performance’, to raw hurt when she inevitably hurts him, to pure love once they reach their happy ending.  Also – there’s several shirtless scenes, and he is incredibly lovely with or without a shirt, but I really appreciated the shirtlessness.

• Minnie Driver is the best in this that I have seen her in a long time.  Perhaps since her cameo as the Russian cowgirl in Goldeneye.  She’s so angular and hard as Macy, Noni’s completely controlling mother.  You do realize by the end that she does love her daughter, but she has spent so much of the movie treating her like a product that by that point, she’s almost past redemption.  The scene at the beginning where she tells a young Noni to throw away her runner up trophy because she needs to be a winner is heartbreaking.

• Danny Glover plays Kaz’s dad, Captain Nicol.  And while he never states that he’s too old for this sh*t, you can see him thinking that almost the whole time.  Especially when he realizes his son, who he has carefully groomed for a political career just punched out a rapper on stage at the BET awards.  Yes – that happens.  Glover does manage to give the Captain some subtle layers, as you begin to realize that while he’s not as controlling as Noni’s mother, his influence is just as heavy on Kaz.

• Machine Gun Kelly (yes, that is his rapper name – his real name is Richard Colson Baker) is a Cleveland rapper who plays Kid Culprit – Noni’s label-mate and “boyfriend”.  It seems like their entire relationship has been crafted by the label for the sake of selling records (you can read a Rhianna-Drake bit into that if you like).  She attempts to break up with him, which seems to go fine, but then he sexually assaults her onstage at the BET awards, prompting the aforementioned punch from Kaz.  Also – the fake music video they show that is Noni and Kid, man, I was way too old to watch that!

Overall, the movie is simple, straightforward, and predictable – but I really feel like the performances gave it just enough edge to make it better than I was expecting.  It’s certainly worth seeing, if you don’t expect too much, I think you’ll be pleased.

8 out of 10  - I wasn’t expecting anything, so I was really pleasantly surprised.  Gained points for the insane costumes that Mbatha-Raw had to wear, lost points for Machine Gun Kelly – ick.  Gained points for all the Kaz shirtless scenes, and lost points for Macy encouraging Noni to get naked in photo shoots.  Gained points for their getaway at a Mexican resort where she removes her ‘mask’.

Bonus Video 1:  The Bodyguard – vaguely similar, but also really entertaining.  And that soundtrack!?!

Bonus Video 2:  The Undercovers – rent this series.  Mbatha-Raw and Boris Kodjoe

Bonus Video 3:  RedTails – a highly entertaining flick that you should see.

Bonus Video 4:  cast Interviews:

Retro Movie Review: Knights of Badassdom (R – 86 minutes)

If you read this often, this is not a surprise to you, but I love a good, low budget, silly genre flick.  It’s why I love SyFy Saturday Night Creature Features (yes, Sharknado 3 has started production).  The best thing about these types of movies is that everyone involved is well aware of the nonsense factor of the movie and is there just to have a good time.  Case in point, Knights of Badassdom – written by a couple of LARPers, and directed by a actor/director/producer of these types of flicks.  This movie at no point takes itself seriously, and has a really good time while not doing that.

Director Joe Lynch loves B-Grade horror and genre movies, he’s been in a couple, and he takes his infectious sense of fun to a completely insane story.  Our hero, Joe, has just been dumped by his lady, Beth, because he’s aimless and happy working in a garage and writing death metal songs…I’m sorry, doom metal songs.  Dejected, he heads home to his roommates, Eric and Hung, who are prepping for a  big weekend LARP (live-action role-playing …but you knew that because you saw Role Models) event.  They get him drunk and high, and dress him up as a knight to join their adventure.  The Gamemaster, Ronnie, has an old dispute with Joe, and will only let him join if they do a ‘reanimation spell’.  Eric uses a book he got on eBay to perform the spell, and because it just so happens to be a real ancient spell book – it conjures a demon succubus from hell that takes on the form of Joe’s ex – Beth – in her prom dress, because that’s the picture Joe had in his pocket. 

Hijinks ensue, mainly because the succubus runs through the various groups of LARPers, eating at will, until Joe and the gang decide to step up and take her out.  Yes – it’s exactly as silly as you think.  But what will surprise you is the cast:

• Ryan Kwanten plays Joe, and while you still don’t get to hear his original Aussie accent, at least the American one he fakes in this doesn’t have the horrible southern twang you’re used to him using on True Blood.  He is exceptionally watchable, and really likeable, and the best thing about him in this movie is that he plays it straight, and lets everyone around him act really over the top – which makes him the audience’s way in.  Also – if you haven’t seen the Venom mini-movie that he and Joe Lynch did, check it out.

• Steve Zahn plays Eric, who for some reason that is never explained, is a millionaire.  This is why Hung and Joe live with him – in a castle, or at least a house that looks like a castle.  Zahn goes completely over the top in this and it fits perfectly.  He’s insanely funny.

• Peter Dinklage plays Hung (originally the character was conceived as a Korean-American nerd, then Dinklage said yes, but they didn’t change the name – and it still works).  He’s stoned most of the time, but really takes the LARPing seriously, and his bit about training Joe is really funny.

• Jimmi Simpson takes a break from playing creepy guys to play the hilarious Ronnie Kwok as the completely full of himself gamemaster.  The running gag about the map being terrible cracked me up at least three times.  Also – his headband is funny on its own.

• Margartia Levieva plays the ex-girlfriend and then the demon succubus, Beth.  She gets a very brief scene in the beginning, then spends the rest of the movie walking around eating people.  The funny part is that it takes people a bit to catch on that she’s a demon, because they just assume she’s part of the LARP event.

• Summer Glau plays Gwen, who is into the LARPing, but only somewhat – she’s mainly there to keep an eye on her cousin, Gunther (played by Brett Gipson), who never seems to break character.   She gets a little sweet on Joe, despite having to fend off advances from many other LARPers.

• Danny Pudi plays Lando, and he’s barely in the movie, but he’s really funny for the time he’s there. 

• There are some other almost cameos as well – Joshua Malina plays an actor hired to play a monster for the LARP event, Brian Posehn plays Joe’s garage co-worker and doom-metal enthusiast.  Michael Gladis from Mad Men plays the King of one of the two armies, and gets to give a hilarious go-get-‘em speech.

Overall – the movie is terrible, but that’s pretty much the point.  It’s really funny in parts, but be warned – the cheesy gore level is also high.  Rent it, it’s super short and it’s good for a laugh or two!

7 out of 10 – gained points for Jimmi Simpson, who is swiftly becoming a favorite of mine.  Lost points for the Beth demon eating people, gross.  Gained points for Steve Zahn being hilarious – Lost points for Hung being high all the time.  Gained points for the dragon.

Bonus Video 1 – the Venom video.  I am hoping that eventually there will be a Venom movie worthy of Venom.  Sorry Topher Grace – I like you, but you were a terrible Venom.

Bonus Video 2 – Role Models – an equally hilarious movie with LARPing in it.

Bonus Video 3 – SDCC 2011 panel